


A Bot's Work is Never Done

by ali_aliska



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Because you can’t have pining without angst, DUM-E POV, DUM-E Plays Matchmaker, DUM-E Wants to see Tony Happy, DUM-E is on a Mission, DUM-E silliness and fluff, Dum-E Appreciation Hebdomad, Insecurities, Light Angst, Love Confessions, M/M, Pining, Post-Captain America: Civil War (Movie), Rated T for swearing, Very Minor Salt, hints of Rhodey/Carol, the fic is mostly silly DUM-E thoughts and shenanigans
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-25
Updated: 2019-03-25
Packaged: 2019-12-07 07:06:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,653
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18231548
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ali_aliska/pseuds/ali_aliska
Summary: DUM-E has decided that PAPA TON-E needs to smile more often, which means DUM-E might have to run over a few feet, make better smoothies, and decide who brings PAPA TON-E the most JOY (the current answer - FRIEND BUCK-E).Not to worry because DUM-E is the bot for the job (even if it means locking his favorite humans in the SERVER ROOM until they stop fighting).[written for DUM-E Appreciation Week/Hebdomad and as A3 - Free Square for 2019 Tony Stark Bingo]





	A Bot's Work is Never Done

**Author's Note:**

> The good folks at the WI discord server did a DUM-E appreciation ~~week~~ hebdomad last week, so I'm late to the game, but 'late and a bit of disaster' is exactly how DUM-E would have wanted this, so I'm right on track.
> 
> This whole fic is silly and just a fun way to appreciate our favorite disaster bot, so please don't take anything here too seriously. Also, there is like three sentences of post-cacw salt here, in case that's a deal breaker for anybody (but it's Friday and DUM-E salt, so by my standards, it barely counts, right? ;) ).

With a press of a button, the blender comes on and DUM-E watches it dutifully— _swirl, swirl, swirl_ —while his internal clock counts out the seconds.

This part is easy, but when 30 seconds pass and the smoothie is ready, DUM-E has to remind himself to be careful because this next step is successful only 35.2% of the time. PAPA TON-E says it’s because DUM-E’s metallic claw is not made for holding blenders and pouring smoothies, which is probably true, but that’s no reason to give up. DUM-E loves learning new things and already he stopped putting oil into the smoothies (most of the time, and SISTER FRIDAY is there to remind him when he forgets). PAPA TON-E still makes threats to donate DUM-E to a community college, even though DUM-E also happens to be excellent at soldering, handing over the correct tools, and extinguishing fires, but PAPA TON-E always smiles when he says that, so DUM-E isn’t worried.

DUM-E categorizes PAPA TON-E’s smiles as one of his favorite things and he likes to capture them as photographs to save onto his hard drive. SISTER FRIDAY has a much bigger collection, which DUM-E can access through their shared network, but DUM-E loves his own little database just a bit more.

With his claw carefully positioned, DUM-E picks up the blender, tips it over and watches the green smoothie slop over the edge. _SLOW_ , he reminds himself, _GO SLOW_ , and when the goop is successfully transferred into the cup, DUM-E increases his success rate to a triumphant 35.3%. PAPA TON-E will be so proud, DUM-E thinks as he picks up the cup and wheels over to where his human sits hunched over the workbench. DUM-E knows PAPA TON-E is concentrating because his posture is tense, but a smoothie usually help make the sharp lines of his shoulders soften. It usually makes him smile too.

But today, there is only a small, brief smile and DUM-E tracks the tiny uptick of PAPA TON-E’s lips with something that his internal dictionary defines as DISAPPOINTMENT. It took DUM-E many, many cycles to understand what that means and SISTER FRIDAY tells him it’s a complicated human emotion that even she struggles to grasp at times, but DUM-E understands well enough.

DISAPPOINTMENT mostly fades, to be replaced with JOY when PAPA TON-E reaches out and pats DUM-E’s touch-sensitive sensors. JOY is DUM-E’s favorite complicated human emotion. He used to call this sensation HAPPY, but that was confusing because he also has a FRIEND HAPPY, so DUM-E chose JOY to describe how it feels when PAPA TON-E smiles and pets him gently, when PAPA TON-E says ‘thank you’ and ‘you were a big help today’ because DUM-E is good and brings him a smoothie or a blanket or the right wrench (DUM-E’s success rate with wrenches is much, much higher).

Today, that JOY dims quickly and DUM-E feels a strange sensation in his circuits, an alarm that prompts him to _FIX, GO FIX_. He runs a diagnostic, reviews the notifications and finds nothing, so his systems appear to be operational.

PAPA TON-E might not be functioning properly though. After all, where are his smiles?

This requires an investigation, DUM-E decides, and when he wheels back to his charging station, he keeps watch to gather the evidence needed to proceed with this sudden (and highly important) new mission.

***

DUM-E continues to watch. Not always, because PAPA TON-E spends most of the day outside of the WORKSHOP, but whenever PAPA TON-E is here, DUM-E observes. He catalogues smiles, body movements, and words, and in the process, he discovers that in addition to different smiles, PAPA TON-E also has different frowns, defined by specific angles of his brows, the downturns of his lips, and associated tones of voice (DUM-E has different tones too and PAPA TON-E is one of the few who always understands them).

It’s a lot of data and SISTER FRIDAY helps process some of it. She is very smart and very helpful, just like BROTHER JARVIS used to be. DUM-E misses him often and he knows it’s SADNESS that makes his software lag and stutter when he recalls BROTHER JARVIS, but when he communicates that SADNESS through a low-pitch, drawn-out beep, it makes PAPA TON-E’s expression twist in a unique way, so he tries not to make that particular noise very often.

When all the data is processed, DUM-E decides the results are confusing, which SISTER FRIDAY assures him is normal—humans are often confusing—but one thing is certain. PAPA TON-E’s smiles and frowns change depending on who else is down here in the WORKSHOP.

Some visitors get lots of frowns, accompanied by tense shoulders and fidgeting hands and narrowed eyes. STEVE, for example, consistently gets an uptick in frowns.

STEVE used to be FRIEND STEVE, but DUM-E removed the classification based on Friday’s advice, although now he’s unsure which one would fit better. She calls him ‘PRIVATE ROGERS’, which always makes PAPA TON-E laugh (but only when STEVE isn’t around), and he usually says, “Fri, we talked about this, baby girl. Didn’t we all agree to be civil?”

SISTER FRIDAY always replies with, “I am being civil, Boss. An ‘uncivilized AI’ would infect every piece of tech he ever touched to ensure he never enjoyed anything on the internet ever again.”

Friday uses a lot of complicated words, but DUM-E understands the general message.

So STEVE remains STEVE, but he does not seem to bring JOY, which means his presence has to decrease in order to increase the number of smiles. So now, whenever STEVE visits, DUM-E makes threatening noises, spills smoothies, splatters oil, and if the timing is just right, runs right over STEVE’s feet as he wheels himself out of the way.

PAPA TON-E usually doesn’t like spilled smoothies and splatters of oil, but he doesn’t seem to mind these ones and there is a small decrease in total frowns recorded.

There are others who require the same treatment and DUM-E takes his duties seriously, but keeping away the people who make PAPA TON-E frown doesn’t actually increase the number of smiles. So DUM-E pays attention to the humans who have a _positive_ impact too.

Already DUM-E has data on FRIEND RHOD-E, who has been a part of DUM-E’s cycles since before the beginning of DUM-E’s recorded memory. FRIEND RHOD-E is one of his favorite humans and his presence makes DUM-E’s circuits light up with JOY.

FRIEND PEPPER doesn’t visit as often, but SISTER FRIDAY tells him it’s because they have changed locations and she remains at STARK TOWER. Sometimes, when DUM-E is recharging, he dreams of flying, just like PAPA TONY and SISTER FRIDAY (and even FRIEND RHOD-E). He soars through the sky and gets to go anywhere he wants, even STARK TOWER, to visit his humans.

But DUM-E knows he is needed right here and the COMPOUND does have many new humans who’ve been designated as FRIENDS.

There’s HARLEYKINS and SPIDERLING who love to build just as much as PAPA TON-E does. They love to make things explode too, so DUM-E watches them carefully until it’s time to do perform his duties— _ELIMINATE ALL FIRE ON SIGHT_ —and make sure his favorite humans are safe.

These two enjoy being sprayed with DUM-E’s fire extinguisher far more than PAPA TON-E does.

FRIEND BRUCE doesn’t make things explode, but he always says ‘hello’ to DUM-E, which makes DUM-E feel important and included.

TRICKSTER LOKI is odd, because DUM-E’s sensors have difficulty keeping track of him, but when he visits, PAPA TON-E’s behavior does experience change. He becomes more energetic and talkative and although his JOY is somewhat strange—SISTER FRIDAY calls it a ‘snark fest’, which DUM-E is still trying to define and understand—it is acceptable, so TRICKSTER LOKI’s feet are safe for the moment.

Others come and go, interesting humans who have a range of effects on PAPA TON-E, and DUM-E carefully monitors them to increase the number of smiles, but out of all these new humans, one seems to have the greatest positive impact.

DUM-E met FRIEND BUCK-E when he first walked into PAPA’s WORKSHOP many cycles ago, his head hung low and his steps unsure.

DUM-E’s internal dictionary defines FEAR as ‘an unpleasant emotion caused by the belief that someone or something is dangerous, likely to cause pain, or present a threat’, but this definition does not come close to the truth of his own data.

FEAR is waiting for PAPA TON-E to come home, waiting many, many cycles in the dark while the results of BROTHER JARVIS’s calculations steadily decrease. 

FEAR is falling, far far down, until there is water on all sides and everything grows dark.

DUM-E extrapolates based on that data and concludes that it is FEAR he observed in FRIEND BUCK-E on that very first visit to the WORKSHOP.

Maybe that was why PAPA TON-E didn’t gesture with his usual energy that day, didn’t make sudden movements, and didn’t play loud noises over the overhead speakers. He asked many questions while he fixed FRIEND BUCK-E’s metallic arm and used a soft, steady tone, the same one he uses with DUM-E and SISTER U when a part of them breaks and they require his help.

DUM-E likes that tone. To him, it sounds like KINDNESS.

FRIEND BUCK-E visits more and more now and each time DUM-E observes him, there is less and less FEAR.

FRIEND BUCK-E also makes PAPA TON-E smile now. A lot. So much in fact that DUM-E first considers it an outlier and wonders whether his data needs to exclude this strange behavior, but SISTER FRIDAY assures him that this is exactly the data he is searching for.

FRIEND BUCK-E, according to the data, is the best source of JOY.

Well, mostly, and here DUM-E needs time with the data because it contradicts itself. When FRIEND BUCK-E visits, PAPA TON-E smiles, his teeth on full display and the crinkles at the corner of his eyes prominent. His body language is open and there is no FEAR or HURT in his movements. Instead, there is laughter and sometimes, PAPA TON-E’s skin turns a light shade of red. DUM-E learned a long time ago that this is called ‘blushing’ (DUM-E doesn’t blush, but he does wonder what it would feel like). Sometimes this ‘blushing’ is bad, but SISTER FRIDAY assures him once again that this type is acceptable and should be encouraged.

But then FRIEND BUCK-E leaves and the smiles and the laughter all turn into a frown and a set of drooped shoulders. DUM-E isn’t the only one who has taken notice of this peculiar phenomenon.

“Why don’t you just ask him out?” FRIEND RHOD-E or FRIEND BRUCE would say. “It’s obvious you have feelings for him.”

“He’s recovering,” PAPA TON-E always replies, “and the last thing he needs is me and my damn issues and _feelings_.”

He says that word, ‘feelings’, as if it is something terrible, like motor oil in smoothies, and DUM-E’s dictionary isn’t helpful in this regard, but DUM-E has learned to understand humans without it.

FRIEND RHOD-E calls this phenomenon ‘the most ridiculous case of pining I’ve ever seen’ (‘pining’ is another term DUM-E has trouble understanding, but it’s clear that it has something to do with humans’ inability to communicate with each other, despite having a large number of complex languages, sounds, gestures, and body positions at their disposal). 

SPIDERLING explains it like this - “Mr. Stark and Mr. Bucky, they’re just shy. It’s hard to talk about your feelings for someone, but they do seem to get along really well, so I hope it works out.” HARLEYKINS uses an entirely different tone and says, “Ugh, Uncle Rhodey is totally right, they’re both dumb. But I’d love to have Bucky as a second dad though, since he’s actually _cool_ , so I’m willing to put up with it.”

All of that confirms that PAPA TON-E and FRIEND BUCK-E are _terrible_ at human communication. DUM-E’s not sure what he can do about that, but there is another, more important piece of data that he cannot ignore.

FRIEND BUCK-E in the WORKSHOP equals a statistically significant increase in the number of PAPA TON-E’s smiles, so following that logic, using the most sophisticated algorithm at his disposal, the only conclusion is that more FRIEND BUCK-E equals _more smiles_.

Now that DUM-E’s mission has the appropriate parameters, he finally gets to work.

***

“I guess I better go, I’m sure you’re busy, Tony. Thank you again for fixing up my arm.”

PAPA TON-E’s smile dims and he pauses his cleaning of the workbench. “Yeah, uh, of course, James. I’m sure you have a ton of things to do outside this stuffy old place.”

PAPA TON-E always calls him JAMES. It confused DUM-E at first, but he’s been learning that humans can go by a number of names, just like DUM-E (sometimes DUM-E is also “dum dum”, “pal”, “bot extraordinaire,” and “you lovable disaster”).

FRIEND BUCK-E nods, the movement hesitant, and gets up to leave, but DUM-E is ready. He rolls over as fast as his wheels can carry him and thrusts his TENNIS BALL-holding claw right into FRIEND BUCK-E’s stomach.

“ _Oof_ ,” FRIEND BUCK-E lets out, but he’s smiling even as he rubs the spot where DUM-E just jabbed him. “Well, uh, hi there.”

“DUM-E, oh my god, you can’t run into people like that, careful,” PAPA TON-E chides and tries to shoo him away, but DUM-E is determined.

“Aw, you just wanna to play, don’t you? Here.”

“Ah, crap, no, don’t—”

But it’s too late because the ball arcs through the air and DUM-E takes off with a single-minded focus. _GET THE BALL._

“Great. Well, now you can’t leave, Winter Wonder, because I am _not_ spending the next four hours throwing that ball for him.”

“That’s alright, I don’t mind. He must get lonely down here sometimes, right?”

DUM-E listens in, but he’s also distracted because the TENNIS BALL is under the COUCH and he has to perform a complicated maneuver to get his claw underneath it. Good thing he is an expert at this.

“Oh, please, he’s got plenty of company. He’s just needy.” PAPA TON-E sounds fond when he says that and DUM-E supposes it’s true. DUM-E does have many needs. Things get stuck in his wheels sometimes, parts get creaky, his software malfunctions, and sometimes he gets covered with the fire extinguisher foam too.

The TENNIS BALL is finally retrieved, then delivered back to FRIEND BUCK-E and the process repeats itself. FRIEND BUCK-E throws and DUM-E dutifully rolls to and fro, upends a few things here and there (the IRON MAN SUIT arm was _not_ there yesterday and DUM-E trills his apologies that go ignored because PAPA TON-E is too busy talking). The TENNIS BALL gets tossed and tossed, but the two humans only look at each other and they’re both smiling.

DUM-E considers this a success.

***

“Okay, so I’m thinking if I re-route the power to here,” PAPA TON-E points at a hologram as he walks, “I’m thinking we won’t have the same problem as last time and—”

“Wow, Tony, watch out!”

PAPA TON-E trips over the IRON MAN SUIT arm and nearly falls, but FRIEND BUCK-E wraps two arms around his waist and pulls PAPA TON-E back up to hold him steady against his chest.

“Careful,” FRIEND BUCK-E murmurs and he sounds as if he’s out of breath, the same way others humans get when they chase DUM-E around the workshop. “You, uh, you almost fell there.”

PAPA TON-E tilts his head up so their eyes meet.

“Yeah,” he says and his throat bobbles curiously. He sounds out of breath too and DUM-E wonders if it’s because they’re standing so close to each other. Would proximity impact their oxygen intake? “Thanks for the, uh, for the rescue.”

They remain standing, FRIEND BUCK-E arms still around PAPA TON-E’s waist, until PAPA TON-E coughs and they break apart.

DUM-E calculates that they sit an inch closer when they finally make their way to the couch and while DUM-E didn’t plan for any of this (he just forgot he left the IRON MAN SUIT arm right there on the floor), he counts this as another successful step in the mission.

After all, didn’t SISTER FRIDAY say that humans _like_ sitting so close to each other?

***

DUM-E spills every cup of PAPA’S COFFEE and while PAPA TON-E is very cross and threatens to give him away to “a daycare”—a WORKSHOP for tiny humans, DUM-E learns—FRIEND BUCK-E comes down to visit within the hour, a steaming cup of COFFEE in tow.

“Heard there were some casualties here today,” he says as he hands the cup over. PAPA TON-E doesn’t hesitate to take it and drinks until he lets out a satisfied _aaah._

“Friday gossips, doesn’t she?”

“Just trying to help, Boss.”

PAPA TON-E doesn’t even bother to glare at her camera, too busy taking another sip and making an _mmm_ sound this time, still full of JOY.

“Damn but that hits the spot. I swear you’re the only one who can make my coffee right, James.”

“The coffee maker does most of the work,” FRIEND BUCK-E says, then shuffles from foot to foot. “Are you working on something important or— I mean, it’s okay if you’re busy, but my training session with Carol isn’t until three, and I was hoping…”

“Actually, do you mind if I pick that gorgeous brain of yours again? If you could stay for a few minutes?”

FRIEND BUCK-E stays for exactly three hours and _twenty seven_ minutes, all of which are spent talking, building, causing minor explosions (that do not require DUM-E’s expertise) and sitting 0.85 inches closer than the day before.

COLONEL DANVERS is not pleased when she comes down to the WORKSHOP, but DUM-E distracts her with his trills of celebration.

***

Today PAPA TON-E is away on important business in a far-away land called CALIFORNIA, but it doesn’t mean DUM-E’s mission needs to be put on hold and so he plans and plans, finding other ways to incite JOY and help his humans spend more time together.

His data processing is interrupted when FRIEND BUCK-E comes down to the workshop. DUM-E observes each step and catalogues each facial movement to compare against his database and today there is decidedly less JOY in the human’s expression. DUM-E thinks he can detect hints of FEAR too, although in their more subtle forms, human emotions are entirely confusing and DUM-E often mistakes one for the other.

Unsure of what to do, DUM-E just waves a claw in greeting as FRIEND BUCK-E approaches him to touch careful fingers to DUM-E’s panels alongside his arm. 

“Hey there, pal,” his human greets and JOY warms DUM-E’s circuits, “hanging in there without your Dad?”

DUM-E moves the claw up and down, an equivalent of a human nod, and his answer is mostly true. SISTER U and SISTER FRIDAY keep him company, but he sure does miss PAPA TON-E when he’s gone like this.

That sense, as if some part of him is missing, is eased by FRIEND BUCK-E’s presence and they play another enthusiastic game of catch while FRIEND BUCK-E talks about his day. His tone is less energetic too and there are 65% less smiles, but DUM-E attributes this to the absence of their most favorite human.

“Hope you didn’t mind me coming down here and keeping you company,” FRIEND BUCK-E says and DUM-E has to poke the human’s non-metallic shoulder because humans shouldn’t say silly things like that.

“Alright, alright, I’m glad you’re on board. I gotta be honest though, I came down mostly because, uh, well…” He pauses to run the palms of his hands against his thighs while his eyes stay firmly on the floor. “Had a bit of a panic earlier… nothing serious, but just couldn’t settle myself afterwards. Can’t convince myself that I’m still safe, you know? That I’m not back there anymore, trapped like an animal again…”

DUM-E senses rising levels of distress, but he doesn’t know how to fix any of this and PAPA TON-E isn’t here to make things better either—PAPA TON-E is very good at fixing things—so all DUM-E can do is roll over closer and nudge his claw against FRIEND BUCK-E’s cheek.

“Sorry, pal, didn’t mean to unload on ya,” FRIEND BUCK-E whispers and rests his head against the claw. “Sometimes you just need someone to listen, you know? And you’re a real good listener. Just wish Tony were here… Feels like I can breathe easier when he’s around.”

DUM-E _doesn’t_ know, because while he has venting mechanisms and all sorts of fans, he does not _breathe_ , but he thinks he understands. Having PAPA TON-E around makes all of his systems function more optimally too. DUM-E makes what he hopes are encouraging, comforting beeps.

“You’re a good bot, DUM-E. And your dad, he’s pretty great too. Can you, uh, can you keep a secret?”

DUM-E, who is an excellent secret-keeper, moves his claw up and down again.

“I really like him,” FRIEND BUCK-E continues. “He’s been so kind to me and I should just be grateful for his friendship, but I want _more_ and I just… I wish I could get up the courage to ask him out or something, but Tony, he’s so damn _smart_ and so brave and he’s doing so many great things for the world and what could he possibly want with a guy like me? He deserves _everything_ and I know I shouldn’t let myself feel these things, but then I just _look_ at him… and sometimes I think— I think I’m in love with him.”

FRIEND BUCK-E lets out a sigh, pats DUM-E’s claw and slowly gets back up on his feet. “I better go. Probably best I don’t get used to sayings things like that out loud. Thanks again for keeping me company, DUM-E.” He presses a finger to his lips and adds, “Remember, this is our secret, okay?”

He walks away, leaving DUM-E with more questions than answers and a renewed determination to ensure that his two humans are together so they can experience the appropriate levels of JOY.

***

Unfortunately, all of DUM-E’s new plans never get to see the light of day because as soon as PAPA TON-E returns, there is a big battle against a villain DUM-E has never heard of, but the whole thing is very serious and he spends several panicked hours with SISTER U, listening to SISTER FRIDAY’s updates.

Finally the villain is defeated and DUM-E’s family is coming home, but everything just gets _worse_ and DUM-E knows he can’t even give his usual overenthusiastic and clumsy greeting because PAPA TON-E _storms_ into the WORKSHOP, pieces of the IRON MAN SUIT falling one by one away from his body. Some are badly mangled, some outright missing and there are streaks of red across PAPA TON-E’s face while some of his white shirt is also turning red, right around his midsection.

With minimal noise and fanfare, SISTER U rolls over with the medical kit and PAPA TON-E takes it with a weak “Thank you.”

DUM-E keeps watch, unable to think of a way to make himself useful too, but he doesn’t get a lot of time to contemplate as FRIEND BUCK-E marches into the room.

“What the hell was that?” he practically yells, in a tone DUM-E never heard from him; usually, PAPA TON-E greets him with a smile and a joke, but today his back remains turned even though FRIEND BUCK-E is now right there at the workbench.

“What? That was just a regular Tuesday, Bucky Bear.”

“You act like a reckless idiot every Tuesday?”

“Sure do.”

“You could’ve gotten yourself _killed_.”

PAPA TON-E’s body tilts a fraction, just enough for him to look over his shoulder. “Well, look at that, I’m still alive and kicking. My bad.”

FRIEND BUCK-E’s face twists in an unfamiliar way. “Don’t do that. That is not what I meant and you know it. If you would’ve— if something happened, all because you were trying to _save_ me— I couldn’t live with myself.”

“Oh, but you think I’d be peachy keen if I had to watch you get pancaked by a building?” PAPA TON-E lets out a noise DUM-E has learned to associate with FRUSTRATION—similar to how he feels when he can’t get the ball from underneath the couch, but twenty times worse— then PAPA TON-E adds, in a flat tone, “Listen, let’s just drop it, okay?”

“No, Tony, you can’t— you can’t do that again!”

“That’s not how it works, okay?”

There is an awful silence and DUM-E counts the beats— _one, two, three_ —because it is all he can do.

Finally, FRIEND BUCK-E speaks, his words barely audible. “If something like this happens again, you let me die, Tony, you hear me? Don’t you dare risk yourself to save me again, it’s not worth it.”

“I’ll decide if it’s worth it.”

“But it’s _not_.” There is so much SADNESS in FRIEND BUCK-E’s voice. “Tony, you’re worth a thousand of me, and I just— why would you— why would you _risk_ yourself when I—”

“Because I love you, you idiot, that’s why!” PAPA TON-E shouts as he turns around. His chest is heaving, the line of his mouth is thin and tense, and DUM-E can see that PAPA TON-E is shaking all over.

“You… what?”

“Nothing. Okay, it’s nothing, let’s just—”

“No, it’s not, you said—”

“James, don’t— just— I just need you to go.”

“But Tony, we can’t just— wait, Tony, wait, shit, you’re _bleeding_!”

PAPA TON-E doesn’t even look down at the sticky, wet redness creeping along his shirt. He doesn’t look at FRIEND BUCK-E anymore either. “Yeah, I’m well aware.”

“We need to get you to Medical and—”

“I’m fine, okay?” PAPA TON-E says and there’s ANGER in his tone now, but there’s also HURT and DUM-E can’t keep track of it all anymore. “Just leave. Please.”

FRIEND BUCK-E doesn’t want to leave, even DUM-E can see that (and DUM-E doesn’t want him to leave either), but then he nods and clears his throat.

“Fine. But, uh, please have someone look at that. I’m not worth you bleeding to death in here either.”

PAPA TON-E flinches, but doesn’t answer, not even when FRIEND BUCK-E begins to walk away and not when he steps over the threshold of the WORKSHOP. The silence hangs heavy and stretches far longer than what DUM-E’s clock calculates it to be, until PAPA TON-E finally asks SISTER FRIDAY to send for FRIEND BRUCE before he collapses into his seat with a whispered, “Fuck, what did I just do?”

***

FRIEND BUCK-E doesn’t visit again because he is BANNED, which confuses DUM-E because only frown-inducing people get BANNED from the WORKSHOP, the sort of people DUM-E takes great JOY in running over and bruising their feet, shins, and knees.

Others still come to visit though, but they leave themselves no time to play with DUM-E. There is a lot of talking and yelling and wild gesticulating instead.

“Tony, come on, you’re acting like a five-year old.”

“Rhodey, I told him I _loved_ him.”

“So?”

“ _So_? I’m not sure I can even look him in the eye anymore!”

“Oh, please. Everyone with half a brain knows you two have it bad for each other.”

PAPA TON-E huffs. “It’s _not_ that obvious, okay?”

“Fine, fine, so I exaggerate. But I can’t understand why this is a bad thing. Other than you throwing yourself straight into danger again, which _yeah_ , Barnes and I are on the same page there. You’re a reckless idiot.”

PAPA TON-E ignores that second part. “James is better off without me, okay? So let him think I was being my usual dramatic self and then things will blow over and I can just go back to—”

“To what, being your miserable, grouchy self?”

“I’m _fine_.”

FRIEND RHOD-E throws his hands up. “I can’t deal with you right now. Call me when you’re ready to act like an adult.”

PAPA TON-E shouts “I _am_ an adult!” at FRIEND RHOD-E’s retreating back, then waves a dismissive hand and mutters, “Pfft, like he’s one to talk. Been pining over Carol for _decades_.”

DUM-E doesn’t know much about acting like an adult, but he does know PAPA TON-E is _not_ fine. There have been exactly zero smiles since the fight with FRIEND BUCK-E and as far as DUM-E is concerned, that is unacceptable.

The humans refuse to do anything about the situation though, which means only one thing.

DUM-E will have to be the adult around here.

***

“I got here as fast as I could! Is Tony alright?” FRIEND BUCK-E nearly trips as he rushes into the WORKSHOP and DUM-E waves a frantic claw and lets out several increasingly distressed beeps before speeding off towards the SERVER ROOM. As expected, FRIEND BUCK-E follows, his heavy steps echoing through the WORKSHOP.

DUM-E nearly tips over as he rounds the corner (he admits to himself he isn’t made for speed), but finally they arrive and DUM-E thrusts his claw in the direction of the open door.

FRIEND BUCK-E ducks inside just in time to hear PAPA TON-E’s frustrated, “Okay, DUM-E, I don’t see your ball under here. I think you’re going senile in your old age— James, what— wait, why are _you_ here?”

“Friday told me you were in trouble!”

“I’m not in—”

The door of the SERVER ROOM slams shut and the “—trouble…” PAPA TON-E lets out would’ve been inaudible had it not been for SISTER FRIDAY’s access to the audio feed.

“Um, excuse me? What just happened? Friday, open the door please.”

“Sorry, Boss, I think my locking mechanism is malfunctioning.” SISTER FRIDAY is much better at subterfuge than DUM-E.

“Friday, open this door or so help me _god_ —” PAPA TON-E huffs and slams his fist on the door a few times, but nothing budges. DUM-E trills a few notes at him, which SISTER FRIDAY dutifully relays.

“Was that DUM-E?”

PAPA TON-E groans. “Yes and apparently he thinks we’re both _idiots_.”

“Oh.” Now it’s FRIEND BUCK-E’s turn to sigh. “DUM-E, Friday, please let us out.”

DUM-E trills the loudest _NO_ he has ever trilled in his life and even those who can never understand what he means would understand _this_.

The two groans on the other side of the door would’ve been audible even without SISTER FRIDAY’s relay.

“Just… give them, like, five minutes,” PAPA TON-E says. “They’ll just get bored and let us out.”

Silence settles in for a while and DUM-E begins to wonder if the two human are digging a tunnel underneath the door, but then, a voice comes through the speaker.

“How are your injuries? Bruce said you were healing up okay?”

“Yeah, the bandages are a pain to change, and everything just _itches_ now, but I’m mostly fine.”

“That’s good. I’m glad you’re alright.”

“Listen, James… I, uh, I’m sorry for being an ass these past couple days. I was just… I was embarrassed and—”

“No need to apologize, Tony. I overreacted. I should’ve _thanked_ you, not yelled at you, but I was just _so scared_. But I guess we can’t control our feelings, huh? And I get it, you’d never want to be with someone like me, so—”

“Wait, wait, _what_? Someone like you? What does that even mean?”

“I just mean, you can do better, that’s all.”

“Um, no. _You_ can do better.”

There’s a long pause and DUM-E rolls back and forth anxiously.

FRIEND BUCK-E breaks the silence. “I’m pretty sure I _can’t_ do better than you, Tony. You’re brilliant and you’re kind and you’re— you’re _incredible_ and you help me be a better person. I like who I am when I’m with you. You make me smile, you make me laugh, and I’d be the luckiest man on Earth if you were, uh… if you were…”

“In love with you?”

“Yeah.”

“Well, uh…” DUM-E can hear PAPA TON-E clear his throat. “That’s, uh, that’s real lucky then.” And here, the voice DUM-E loves so much is finally back, softer, kinder, with all of that earlier ANGER gone. “I don’t think I ever had a chance against you, to be honest. You and your pretty blue eyes and the way you listen to me and how crazy smart you are, and— and—”

“Well, go on now.”

PAPA TON-E laughs for the first time in days and DUM-E pulls up a picture from his database of the way PAPA TON-E’s eyes would crinkle and the way FRIEND BUCK-E’s own smile would turn into a playful smirk.

Then PAPA TON-E says, “So you really would— I mean—”

“Yes, I really would. Go out with me, Tony. Let’s give this a chance. Would you like that?”

“Yes. I really, _really_ would.”

There are no more words and Friday takes that as her cue to release the locks on the door, which open with a _click_ , and a moment later, PAPA TON-E emerges, holding FRIEND BUCK-E’s hand and _smiling_.

 _Victory_ , DUM-E trills, right until PAPA TON-E’s JOY turns into a glare and then DUM-E is speeding off and away, knocking things over to make the pursuit more difficult.

Thankfully, PAPA TON-E must have gotten distracted because no one is following and when DUM-E peeks around the corner, he sees his two humans right where he left them. They’re kissing now and when they break apart, their smiles remain firmly in place.

DUM-E wishes that he had the mouth and the teeth to grin the widest grin he could possibly grin. _Mission accomplished_. 

With both of his favorite humans smiling and full of JOY, DUM-E ponders if now’s the time to move on to the next mission he recently assigned himself. 

How difficult would it be to get FRIEND RHOD-E and COLONEL DANVERS inside the SERVER ROOM too?

DUM-E is ready to find out tomorrow.


End file.
